brainxplosion

The following arrived in my email-inbox yesterday. It was forwarded to everyone in the address book of the person I received it from (ie it was not something she sent just to me). I'm sure that the sender didn't mean any harm, but this hurt me somewhere so deep down that I don't even understand why it hurt so much.

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.


We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

Please discuss.
(PS: Gracie, I will answer your writing prompt shortly. It's a complex story, and I'm still working through the emotional aftermath of the end of my tugboating career. You understand, don't you?!)

They won they won they won!
I watched part of last night's Ducks game at TGI Friday's with a couple of people from my Spanish class. It was the most surreal experience, because I was the one who knew the most about the game... and I don't know much, trust me.

Now scroll down and PARTICIPATE!!! Um, please.

Welcome to audience participation night here at Brainxplosion.

Nicole had some questions for me, so here we go:

1. How did you meet your husband?
I was in Calilfornia as an AuPair. One of the few friends I did have over here talked me into going to her youth group's Christmas party. I reluctantly agreed. When we arrived, she was nice enough to introduce me to everyone waiting for the boat to dock saying "This is my friend Sonja. She's from Germany." which of course is the same as saying "You must now stare at her and ask polite, complicated questions aimed to make her feel included. In short, your behavior must make her writhe in silent agony." After that announcement, D. came up to me and spoke German to me. Lemme tell ya - wanna win over a foreigner? Speak their language! (After all, look where it got D.!)
There is some argument as to who took whose hand first, but since I'm telling the story, you're getting the truth: Me! I grabbed his hand sometime on the ship, AND I gave him my number. Six days later, D. proposed, which of course freaked me right out of my little mind. And yet, we got engaged six weeks after we met, and by the time we got married, we had only dated for nine months, five of which were spent on separate continents. What can I say? It worked for us!

2. Do you like sauerbratten? Respond in German, bitte.
Sauerbraten ist ganz okay. I esse eigntlich nicht so gerne Fleisch, deshalb ist es nicht eines meiner Lieblingsgerichte.
Let me know if you were joking about the "respond in German" part and I'll gladly translate.

3. Bried, bikini, thong, none, or other?
I do like brie cheese, but I'm assuming you meant to type "brief." Hmmm. The correct answer is bikini, esp. from Body Gap. I've tried the thong thang, but I prefer to floss my teeth, ya know what I'm sayin'?

A warm round of applause to Nicole, who was forthcoming with her (excellent) questions. Now it's your turn! Ask me anything, even the good old "fold or wad," and I'll be happy to write about it!

Writer's Block 2006 continues, and European needs your help. Give me a writing assignment! Leave me a comment or send me an email telling me what you want me to write about. After writing a speech with the topic "Reach for the stars" I feel that I will be well-prepared to take on almost anything.
And... make it good - I'm counting on you!

Just a Girl is first in line (unknowingly), as she asked me to share my travel plans. Here goes:

The European Parents (henceforth to be known as EP) are coming in this Monday. I'm picking them up from the airport (LAX). Since they are landing in the middle of rush hour, we are going to make our way over to Hollywood to see the Walk of Fame and the Chinese Theater and the Hollywood Sign (from far away).
On Tuesday, I don't have to work and we will do any or all of the following: beach visit, shopping, outlet shopping, napping, eating, close-range sight-seeing.
On Wednesday, I have to work, so the EP will be on their own during the day, but my in-laws are coming over for dinner later that afternoon. Should be fun!
On Thursday, the EP and I will drive to Death Valley NP, stay at a ridiculously expensive hotel, eat bad food, and enjoy the scenery. On Saturday, we're going on to Las Vegas, where we are picking D. up from the airport. The rest of Saturday will be spent between Valley of Fire SP and Lake Mead. On Sunday, D. and I will drive home, while the EP are renting a car and driving to the Grand Canyon. And while D. and I get to go back to work and do the daily grind, they will visit Page, AZ and Lake Powell, and Bryce and Zion NPs.
On the 16th, the EP are flying from Vegas back here, and then I have three (3) days off (!) to enjoy with my parents.
On the 19th, I (officially) graduate with my credential and then we'll party like it's 1999 (hmmm). That weekend is D.'s College reunion, so we'll do some of their activities and we'll visit the Getty Museum. And then the EPs leave and all the excitment will be over.

And those right there are my travel plans. Thank you for playing, Just a Girl!

PS: I got sick of all the linking after a while. Just google it yourself. And don't forget to give me a writing assignment/topic, please.

There would be an update right here, if I remembered any of the things I'd like to write about or if I could think of anything worthwhile.
Surely a list will appease the natives?
things I am thinking but not posting about:
1. standardized testing for elementary grades
2. snotty-liar-cheater children
3. travel plans
4. dinner
5. finding substitutes for the time I need to take off
6. Ducks lost a home game last night
7. I can't go to the Ducks game tomorrow night
8. file the papers that are on the floor, desk, coffee table, couch, TV, and coffee maker
9. get some sleep
10. Spanish homework, vocabulary, and final project

It's widely known that I'm not a sports type person. I'm one of those who watch The Superbowl solely for The Commercials (partially because yawn and partially because though I've tried, I fail to see the point to football). I do whatever I can to avoid watching "The Game", except when "The Game" is soccer, which is when I can watch for about 17.5 minutes before dozing off.
On Monday, D. dragged me (almost literally) to a Mighty Ducks game at the Anaheim Pond. I had lots of reasons not to go. Day after Easter. Commute/traffic. Crowds of beer-bellied sports fans to creep me out. Late return home on a school night. Don't like hockey. Don't know hockey rules. Reserve right to leave early. Reserve right to complain all night.
BUT OH! OH THE GAME! I had so much fun that I'm actually blushing writing about it. Somewhere between sitting in the best seats in the house (those are the ones that are really high up, right?!) and freezing my I-insist-on-flip-flops toes off and the moment those guys came skating out onto the ice, I absolutely fell in love with ice hockey and the Mighty Ducks specifically. This new romance led me to do a few things I never thought possible:
1. yelling
2. yelling "Shoot it!" at the players who probably couldn't really hear me
3. standing up cheering for goals
4. remembering that #27 just got out of the penalty box
5. figuring out where and what the penalty box was and where on the scoreboard it showed who was in there and for how much longer
6. laughing an evil hehehehe when the one of the Flames got a 10 minute penalty for fighting (it still makes me laugh evilly - hehehe)
7. scheming how to get a Ducks jersey for less than the $235 it costs at the team store - and by less, I mean CONSIDERABLY less
8. dreaming of going to a playoff game because MY DUCKS! IN THE PLAYOFFS! LOVE! EXCITEMENT!
9. Trying to figure out how to get ESPN to be able to watch the playoffs from the comfort of my own home*
10. cheered during the fist fights (I know - sad, huh?!)

And as an added bonus, four things I did not do, even though they were popular:
1. cheered during the US national anthem
2. booed out the Flames when they came onto the ice (couldn't do it. Could. Not.)
3. purchased nachos or beer
4. purchased a jersey

Anaheim Pond, packed
Originally uploaded by European.

*no cable, no satellite, no TiVo. I also have no microwave, but that's a different story.

This is where I was tonight. Pictures will follow. Note that in a 60 minute game, there were 102 penalty minutes and about seven or eight fist fights.
Hockey at its best!

Wondering what I've been up to, have you? Well, you had to ask:

1. The Bathroom
I'm glad to say that the bathroom is, after less than a month of work and procrastination, finished. As in, done. And it looks fantabulous!
After these certainly very lovely events, one may have thought things had to get better, but (surprise, surprise) they got worse first. Or at least, they didn't improve. Here's what happened when I took down the mirror:
I spent the rest of the weekend priming and painting. After that, it only took about a week to clean up all the painting paraphernalia that was slowly spreading from the bathroom through the hallway into the rest of the house, and only another weekend to put up all the new hardware. Last week, I finally bought a new mirror and yesterday, I had a brilliant idea for some art to hang up. Here's what I made:
I'm really proud of myself - I took the pictures, I painted the frames, I hung those pictures up with astonishing precision... and I didn't even hurt myself in the process!
Here are the glamor shots of the bathroom:



2. Not resting on your laurels: The Kitchen
I have my spring break right now. Last weekend, D. asked me if I wanted to paint the kitchen. Everything in me screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOO!, but last night after Spanish class (in which time passed uncharacteristically fast), I decided to pull a Nike and, you know, just do it.
This morning, I prepped. And by "this morning," I mean practically all day. One of the bigger issues was the moving of the fridge and the stove. D. thought that it'd be fine if we just moved them "out a little" so I could reach behind, but the crazy prefectionist in me came out and argued for a full removal and complete disconnect of the above mentioned appliances. Well, D. won (mainly because I can't move those appliances by myself). When I scooted the fridge away from the wall this morning, I found a lovely surprise behind it. Love. Ly! Last summer, this blog was all about ants for a little while. Well, I have apparently solved the riddle of "where do they keep coming from?!!" And here's the answer:
An anthill under the fridge. Nasty, huh? I just want to state for the record that the baseboard is not wet (looks a little wet in the picture) and that the majority of what you see is sand the ants brought in from the outdoors. Do they use it like kitty litter? I have no idea. But sand it is. Up to now I have been very gentle with these creepy crawlers. Thoughts of my own poison-free well-being and the environment and the food chain... were forgotten this morning as I raced to the garage for the Raid.
This means WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!
Bye-bye, invaders!
So far, the kitchen remodel has been eventless (other than the eradication of an entire ant colony - har, har). There are pictures to see on flickr (link in sidebar).

3. anonymous grapefruit
My husband, D. likes his anonymity. Hence the abbreviation of his name and his absence from my pictures. But last weekend, I managed to take a picture of him that he will allow on this website. It is with pride and fondness that I give you Grapefruit-Man:
The fact that he was voluntarily holding grapfruit halves over his eyes and that he let me take a picture of that tells you volumes about how right we are for each other.

4. traveling and light reading
My parents are coming for a visit and for my graduation. They are going to travel around for a little, so I am currently helping them plan their trip to Death Valley NP and Grand Canyon NP and a bunch of stuff in between (Valley of Fire State Park, Bryce and Zion, Petrified Forest...). Any tips?

5. Sleep
I am going to sleep, right now. *yawn*

You know you're having a bad day when you start wishing you'd taken a picture of the doggie-doo during the dog-sitting weekend, so you could now post it under the heading "This is the kind of day I'm having".

Today I read something on the internet that made me feel really sad for families who have to leave kids in daycare. I'm not going into it here because I just don't care for the controversy. And you can't make me, so there!

Meanwhile, I will give you a list of things I may or may not have done lately instead of studying for my Spanish exam:
1. We had lasagna for dinner yesterday. Homemade lasagna, which translates to Sonja-made lasagna.
2. I put all the shoes into the plastic boxes in the hallway closet.
3. I watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Fun times!
4. I cleaned the bathroom.
5. I drew patterns with some real nice markers.
6. I surfed the web.
7. I checked my email every couple of minutes.
8. I went outside to see if the mail had arrived yet (not yet, but I will go check again in a moment) and ended up weeding the little strip of dirt I call my "cactus bed"
9. I got attacked by a viscious cactus. This warrants another post since there's a story of a freak-out and pictures of my mangled limb, but to be quite honest, I'm too lazy to go get the camera from the bathroom. So you'll have to wait.
10. I monitored my cactus-inflicted wound for swelling and oozing (neither of which has happened yet).

You may or may not recall me talking about my extreeeeemely interesting Spanish class on this site. Well, you're in luck! Last week, I wrote some partially cryptic notes (half of which I no longer remember the meaning of) to give you a taste of what my life in Spanish is like:
La vida loca.

4:27 see hummingbird and want to take picture, but am holding bag, purse, jacket and am also eating chips and talking on cell phone. will photograph local wildlife another time
4:31 class has started
4:38 bored but not hungry. think about chips and advertised "great multigrain taste" giggle about that stupid phrase
4:40 the Weird Couple walks in. today, she's sporting head-to-toe purple fleece with stars and moons. Wha...?
4:44 classmates' pronunciation is making me physically ill.
4:45 sign on bulletin board for socks in a box drive. asks for donations of New socks. New is capitalized and underlined twice. Yup, this is a college. Go figure.
4:46 roll call. jerk with red hair has dropped class, apparently, as has friendly kid who wanted to "study" with me
4:48 contemplate how slowly time passes I
4:50 annoying male half of Weird Couple asking question with such detail that nobody else would have thought of it
4:52 hit head on chair while ppicking up waterbottle. ouch.
4:59 scratching paint off nails while contemplating bathroom run. sadly, it is too early as I only allow myself to go once during class time. I will need the break much more later in the game.
5:03 called on me. hot face, but good sentence. So there.
5:06 stupid exercise. Will go to bathroom to avoid being called on.
5:10 back from bathroom. excellent timing as stupid exercise is finished. But also: why did that only take four minutes???
5:12 left side of room laughing hysterically. don't know why. dislike the hyena girls mucho indeed.
5:16 butt asleep. also, back hurts from ugly chair
5:24 another hour. contemplate how slowly time passes II
5:27 think about length of nails. must trim soon!
5:32 starting chapter 6. Boo.
5:33 must remember to post-it flag vocab pages. *sigh* love post-its. (note: still have not flagged pages)
5:35 panic. exam next Tuesday? noooooo!
5:36 all better. exam two weeks from now (note: that makes it this Thursday, which means that panic has now begun to settle in)
5:41 more astonishingly detailed questions from annoying Weird Couple male
5:44 Weird Couple female read "J.K. Rawling" I mean really. It's OOOOO! Rowling!
5:49 contemplate how slowly time passes III
5:50 another question from mr. questionasker. very picky.
5:57 question #4. is actually same exact question as before. Argh.
5:58 thinking about lovely Riesling wine. hmm.
6:03 announcing homework on la pagina dos cientos. could this be the end? ARE WE FINISHING EARLY? MAKE MY DAY!!!
6:04 ha! dreamer.
6:06 another obvious question
6:08 how can we not be done yet? noooo!
6:12 made everyone laugh. not sure why. hate new vocabulary (and old vocab, if you care to know)
6:15 contemplate how slowly time passes IV. 5 more minutes. pleeeeease!
6:16 hehe. eat dogs. wanna leave.
6:18 ha. leaving. LEAVING!!!

TWICE A WEEK I GO THROUGH THIS, PEOPLE. TWICE A WEEK.

Next time in our series "as if you wanted to read about that": a minute-by-minute account of the afterschool intervention homework help program I run. More action than Spanish, but less agony - and all contained in only 60 minutes! Stay tuned!

I might liveblog Gilmore Girls. Because I'm lame and I care about TV and the first five minutes were ab.so.lute.ly bottom-kicking.
1. I love Paris. Sure, she's annoying and neurotic and loco, but she gave Logan an EARFUL. Yessssss.
2. RORY. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Why did you have to go back with him? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. But... it feels like there's something else cooking there. Hmmm.

update I:
3. Haha. Talking pig.
4. TV facing the right way.
5. Collection of molecules held together by dirt. Hehehe.

update II:
6. Noooo. Moved back in. Stupid Rory. MISUNDERSTANDING. WHA...?
7. Commercials.

update III:
8. Michelle! Post-its! The System!
9. A German-speaking GPS contraption. Must. Love. It. Evil German Super-computer. Har, har.

update IV:
10. Mrs. Kim. Hehehe. Scary, but cool. She will evaluate the demo tape. Yes Sireee.
11. Ahem. Hiding flowers under a couch cushion? Hmmm.

update V:
12. Gilmored! The Jag is here. Have they been taken? Ha!

update VI:
13. Since mine was a fake contractor, I got to pay him with monopoly money.
14. Commercials

update VII:
15. Why haven't we started talking about how stupid Rory is being? Grrrr.
16. The Amish will be psyched about Luke's underwear. Ha.

update VIII:
17. Commercials AGAIN???
18. Everything in that corner smells like vanilla. Freaky and unplanned.
19. Kirk is a realtor. Kirk has a thing. Kirk... ow.

update IX:
20. Naw. The Sr. Gilmores are looking for a house in Star's Hollow.
21. I'm guessing we'll be hearing about that Pan Am purse.

update X:
22. Live-blogging is exhausting. And nobody is reading it live, so what's the point. Oh, never mind. It's back on.
23. Zack is auditioning for husband. Run in place for a minute, it gets the blood flowing. Different minor chord.
24. Something else... maybe something to ask her?
25. That ring you keep in drawer so it won't scare the children.

update XI:
26. final destination I, II, III
27. Swiss has holes, easy way to identify it
28. ouch. afraid of big luke-lorelai blowup over fancy bag

update XII:
29. so many things wrong here. bag. gifted shopper. anna. huh.
30. can't believe rory is giving lorelai crap about her relationship. HAHAHA!

update XIII:
31. Logan needs to get a clue.

And that's all, folks. I need some sleep as partial insomnia has been my bedfellow. Not as naughty as it sounds.

you're welcome