brainxplosion

scumbag

Last Tuesday, I found myself shopping at WalMart.
I know, it's sad, especially since I just blogged about the evils of said activity.
Let me explain.
Somehow or other, my entire Tuesday afternoon was frittered away with reminiscing about the good old days when my mom, sister and I watched silly sitcoms together. I found a website that took about 4 hours to completely read through (and it was addicting). When I awoke from my stupor at 8:30pm, I realized that in order to finish a homework assignment for the next morning, I needed foam sheets. Off I whisked myself to Michael's, where I pulled into the parking lot 1 minute before closing time. The extremely friendly pimple-faced, long-haired teenager that was closing the door had no mercy on me whatsoever, thereby forcing me to take my business elsewhere. Staples closes at the same time as Michael's, and so WalMart was the only alternative (Target really doesn't stock much foam).
What can I say.
The little hairs on the back of my neck were standing up and I felt a disturbance in the force when I entered the cave of the selfish bargain monster. Unperturbed -- ok, very perturbed -- I went on to the office supplies section and the craft section to gather up the foam and a little box of brats (I was making foam clocks and needed to attach the little handles).
I paid and wandered back out into the night, bleary-eyed and with a bubbly stomach full of guilt. I knew I needed to fess up, so there you have it. I went to WalMart.

What should I do to make up for this?

I was visiting my old work recently. While sitting in the teacher's lounge (I went at lunch, of course - I was there to talk and share the Friday potluck - he, he), one of the teachers shared what he did for his wife on her birthday.

Be warned - this is not a romantic story. It's a tale of horror, a shocking account of male-female friction (in the worst sense). Read on if you dare.

--First Scene--
at Mr. X's home, the day before the birthday
Mr. X (to himself): I have a wonderful idea. To show my wife how much I love her, I will pretend I forget her birthday! She'll be thrilled.

--Second Scene--
the day of Mrs. X's birthday
Mr. and Mrs. X leave for their respective places of gainful employment - without a "Happy Birthday."

--Third Scene--
Mr. X arrives at work and immediately makes a phone call to have flowers delivered to Mrs. X's office.
Mrs. X arrives at work, expecting the usual lovely display of greeting cards and gifts for her birthday. Much to her surprise (and anguish), nobody has remembered her birthday.

--Fourth Scene--
Mr. X (to himself): To make my loving prank complete, I must simply call my dearest wife and rub in the fact that I have "forgotten" her birthday. Together with the flowers, it will make the whole thing so much more believable. Har, har. I am the best husband there is!!!
Mr. X. promptly calls his wife at work. He doesn't mention her birthday.

--Fifth Scene--
Mrs. X is by now really having a bad day. Peeved and disappointed, she soon leaves for a meeting in another building. Needless to say, the directors she's meeting with also forgot her birthday.

--Sixth Scene--
It's after lunch time. Mr. X. assumes that his flowers have arrived at the office and calls his wife to reap the laughter and love that surely his little joke must have sown in Mrs. X's heart.
Mr. X calls his wife. He catches her on the cell phone on the way back to her office. Since she's been in the meeting more or less all morning, she hasn't seen the flowers he sent her yet.
Mrs. X cannot hold her frustration in any longer. In tears, she tells her husband that he (and everyone else in the world) forgot her birthday.
In a comical (unless you're Mr. or Mrs. X) turn of events, Mr. X tries to explain to his wife that he didn't forget her birthday and that it was only a little joke. Imagine the absurdity. Ha! Mr. X is stricken by guilt over his misguided prank. A dinner out followed by a shopping spree (variation on the cash-gift theme - also not a good way to show that forgetting the birthday was just a joke) is planned and Mrs. X appeased for the time being.

--Seventh Scene (yes, there's more)--
After the dinner, the shopping spree gets underway. After two hours in the gazillionth store, Mr. X starts feeling very tired. He decides to wait by the benches outside the store, assuming Mrs. X will send one of their offspring to find him when the shopping deed is done, so that he can pay (in order to absolve him from both gift-giving obligations and guilt amassed earlier in the day). Later, Mr. X looks up to see Mrs. X exiting the store laden with bags. She is hopping mad.
Mr. X (surprised): I thought I was paying for that?!!
Mrs. X (mad, exasperated): So did I!


--moral--
I hope you don't need that spelled out!